Why, why, why do people insist on spewing information that is not only false, but that they OBVIOUSLY know nothing about? I realize that drug addiction is a very controversial topic and that many people have many ideas and feelings on the subject. I suppose being a recovering addict myself makes me a little sensitve to some of the negativity out there. Well, I CAN'T HELP IT!! So many people think that addiction is a choice, a moral failing, or we just do it for fucking fun. I can tell you right now, I did not wake up one day and say," Gee, I'm really bored today, so I think that I will become a drug addict so I can stir up some drama. Ruining my own life and everyone's around me sounds like a fabulous idea to get rid of this boredom bug!!" Seriously? I have caused not only myself, but my family, friends, and certain strangers a tremendous amount of misery and pain because of my actions during my addiction. The things I did under the influence were things that I would NEVER even consider doing in a non-addicted state of mind. I look back now and can't even believe some of the lies I told and shit that I pulled in order to get what I needed. I can laugh at some of it now, but man, when I was telling those lies back then, I think I might have actually believed my own bullshit!! Example: My parents came to visit me in Missouri and on the second day that they were there I ran out of Oxycontin. That morning I got up, ran to a doc that I knew would give me a script, and came home because my parents were coming to the house. I waited as long as I could before I pulled my dad aside and asked him if he could take me to Oscos (a pharmacy chain) because there was this miniature collection of golf figurines that I could ONLY find at Oscos and I wanted to get them for my mom because she loved stuff like that. (likely) Well, we go on about our merry way and I tell my dad to stay in the truck because I didn't want him to see them until my mom did. I ran up to the pharmacy counter, handed the script over, and was told they were out of that particular strength! WHAT!! So I preceded to go out to the truck and tell my dad that the lady that stocks this particular set had sold out of them at this location, but would be at another location so could we go there? He said yes and we got to the next one, SAME THING, they were OUT!! I knew that my dad was bound to get suspiscious if he wasn't already, but I went out and said I told him the wrong place, it was over at this other Oscos. Needless to say, we went on like this until I finally got what I needed. And once I got the pills and my dad asked about the gift, I said," Oh, yeah. They must not be selling them anymore. I'll see if I can find them and I'll mail them to mom." My dad just looked at me and shook his head. I found out later that he knew the whole time, but just didn't have the heart to call me on it. The lengths that I went to make me cringe. But at the time, I didn't know any other way to act. I was being driven by my addiction and let me tell you, when you are in the midst of an addiction like this, you will say anything to just about anyone to get what you want or to get out of what you got yourself into. My husband at the time would get so frustrated because he would put his Oxycontin (he was on it for a legitimate reason) in a fire-proof safe only to have me call a locksmith after he left for work, take out the pills I needed for the day, and re-lock it. When he would come home to discover the missing pills, I would deny, deny, deny, all the while my pupils are pinpoint and I can't walk a straight line to save my life. I told him we must have left the door unlocked and someone came in and took the pills. He asked me how they would get into the safe. I told him they must have brought lock picking tools, how else?? I mean, use your common sense!! All thieves that sneak into others homes to take medicine out of locked safes ALWAYS carry their lock picking tools or a stethascope if it is a combination safe so they can hear the click!! Didn't he know this?? Anyhow, I'm just grateful that I am no longer like that. I guess what I'm trying to say is just because I was addicted doesn't make me a bad person. It made me a sick person with a disease that I needed treatment for. I know I will never change all those people's minds, but maybe someday, someone will help other's to understand that addiction is not a choice. Take care.

I don't think I am EVER going to get a damn job. I go and fill out application after application and NOTHING. I went on a great interview last week and the woman I interviewed with told me that she wanted to offer me the job, she just had to check my references. Ok. No problem. I didn't hear anything from her all last week so I emailed her on Friday and she replied,"Still screening applicants." WTF?? I'm beginning to wonder if my references are saying,"Hire her? Are you crazy? That girl is wack!!" I mean really. Why can't I get a job. So I went to this place called Stenocall, which is where they take inbound calls for Dr.'s offices after hours and all different kinds of places and I had a friend tell me they hire everyone that walks through the door. Yeah. Okay. I did the tests, passed them, and talked to the lady. NOTHING!! She even asked me," Why haven't you looked in the field that you are trained in?" I told her I had and she just looked at me like I was dumb. I wanted to tell her," You think I think I would apply here if I hadn't already exhausted all other options??" Then on top of that, this guy with greasy, long hair, pants sagging down to his knees, dirty shirt, etc came in, took the same test I did, talked to the same lady I did, and left with a f***ing job!! What has this world come to?? Maybe if I don't bathe for four or five days, get some really crappy clothes that are dirty, and forget to wear deodorant, then maybe she'd hire me. Who the fuck knows. It is just so discouraging to see stuff like that and know that I'm just as able and qualified as he was and they didn't hire me. And it isn't just there. I have applied at all kinds of places from fast-food to pawn shops, retail places, music stores, everywhere and NOTHING!!! It is unreal. Then, when I think I may have a chance, forget it. I don't think I smell as I shower daily and wear deodorant, my clothes are clean, I brush my teeth so it can't be my breath, and I always check to make sure that I don't have a panty line. Also, I don't pick my nose or my ass for that matter, I don't spit when I talk, I don't have stuff in my teeth or hangin' out my nose, and I keep my gas to myself. (most of the time...hehehe) I've gone over and over these things and I just can't figure out what it is that is repelling people from me. Well, that's enough bitching and moaning for now. Take care!! And be grateful for your jobs, no matter how crappy!!

It never fails. Just when I think my life just might settle down for a little while, BOOM!! The past comes to bite me in the ass!! I was going through the mail yesterday when lo' and be-fuckin'-hold, there was a letter from an attorney. Of course, it came in a very plain, normal, white envelope which gave me a sense of ease, until I decided to open it. That envelope gave me NO WARNING as to what was waiting for me on the inside!! How dare they lull me into a trusting, comfortable place only to shock me into a frenzied, worried, crazy place. So what was inside the envelope you ask? Well I will tell you. It was a letter informing me, ME, that I had a warrant issued for my arrest from a check that I allegedly wrote (and apparently the bank said I didn't have the money actually IN the account and they didn't like that too much) to Wal-Mart in Plano, Texas in 2005. Seriously? 2005? WTF!!  What, were they housecleaning there in the Plano Wal-Mart and found this supposedly "bad" check for a whopping $28.16 and decide it was finally time to call the police because damnitt, they want their fucking money?? TWENTY-EIGHT DOLLARS and SIXTEEN CENTS!! Did they not have better things to do? I had absolutely NO idea that I even bounced a check, possibly due to the fact that I actually closed the account and moved away, but still. Here I am, over four years later and this little letter says I owe $650.oo. WHAT! Wait a fucking minute! How in God's holy name did $28.16 turn into $650.00? I mean, even with the return check fee from Wally World, the total is only $58.48. That leaves $591.52 unaccounted for. Is that how much it cost for that law firm to write the letter that they sent me? If so, I wonder if they are hiring, because I'm obviously really good at swindling people out of money! (although it seems I do eventually get caught, so that wouldn't work, DAMN!) So after making all the phone calls that needed to be made, I was told that I must pay Wally World the $58.48 and then they will recall the warrant for my arrest. How nice. THEN, and only then, will the judge decide how much MORE I have to pay in order to be humiliated enough for the $28.16 worth of merchandise I "stole". I'm finding all this very tedious. Why ohhhhh why is this happening?? Hey, I don't remember asking to become a responsible, reliable, HONEST adult. Is this really part of it? Man, and I thought it was going to be video games, cotton candy, and all you can drink soda!! How horribly wrong I was. MOMMMM!!!!! You SO lied to me!! Lol! Now I will tuck my tail between my legs, go pay for the stuff I should have paid for over four years ago, and go on about my life. I'm thinking that the moral of THIS story is: Hey, better late than never!! Peace~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Why in the name of Jesus of all things holy did they EVER come out with Super Mario Brothers to begin with? Last night I was looking for something to do on the internet because I was bored, so I thought it would be neat to Google my old favorite Nintendo game, the original "Super Mario Brothers". Yeah, great idea!! Not only did I find it, but I found a place that you can PLAY it!!! Suddenly, I was transported back to when I was 12 years old and we got a Nintendo for Christmas. There I was, glued to the screen, playing that damn game!! My shoulders were all tense like it was the most stressful thing in the world and if I didn't save the princess then all the world was going to hell!! And on top of that, since I'm an adult now, I sat here and cussed at the screen like it would change anything. Back when we had the controllers, we would move our hands back and forth when we were jumping and since I can't do that now, I move my head!! Oh My God!!! This is true insanity. I have amazed myself at the level of my addictive personality. I get addicted on the first try!! Just give me a little taste and from then on I'm yours!! All the while, my common sense is screaming at me to give it up!! I have conversations with my common sense quite often. This is what we talked about last night. 

Her name is Brianna and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever done. I haven't seen her in almost three years and NOT by my choice. Her father and I have joint-custody and he decided almost three years ago that I no longer had the right to not only see Brianna, but he decided I didn't have the right to know how she was, where she was, or anything else. All the custody crap started in September of 2004 when I made the foolish decision to trust my very best friend in the whole world to watch Brianna while I went on a job interview in NYC. I didn't take Brianna because this was an interview to be a live-in nanny and I didn't want to take her into an environment that I knew nothing about. I didn't know the people except for the small amount of communication we had had on the internet, so I wanted to check everything out and make sure they were legit before I brought her half way across the country. Well, the person that I entrusted with my heart, my soul, my child, thought it would be ok to call my ex, who up to this point had wanted very little to do with her, and tell him that I had abandonded Brianna, run off to NYC to either arrange for her adoption or sell her for drugs, or whatever it is that she told him and his CRAZY wife of the moment. Well, when I returned from NYC, instead of ST bringing me my daughter, I was served with papers stating that BB was suing me for FULL custody of Brianna. I thought, "This is crazy!!" It was at this moment that my life was shattered into a million pieces and has never been the same again. During the first court date, I was able to see Brianna for the first time since I had returned from NYC. I hadn't seen her in about two and a half weeks. She was ECSTATIC to be with me again. When it was time to go into court, I went to hand her back to her father and she literally screamed and clawed at him to get away from him and back to me. That was a breaking point for me. Up until then I had held my emotions in, but when she was screaming,"MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA....." over and over again trying to get back to me, I just got down on my knees and hugged her in my arms and PROMISED her that I wasn't leaving her, that I loved her, and that we would be together very soon. It was and still remains one of the most heart wrenching moments of my life. You could see the hurt and confusion on her little red face. She didn't understand WHY she was being taken away from all she had ever known. From the mother she adored and who adored her. At first I had visitation every other weekend during the temporary custody order, and then KB, my ex's white-trash, crazy bitch of a wife, brought Brianna for my two week Christmas visitation and she asked me for my driver's license. Well, I didn't have it on me because I wasn't driving, so KB rolled up her window with my baby girl screaming for her mama once again and drove away. I didn't see her again for over a year. When we finally found them and got them back into court, it was decided that I should have SUPERVISED visits because I hadn't seen my daughter in so long. Fine. I'll jump through your gawd damned hoops. At the end of this time period when it came time for regular joint-custody to start, they took off and disappeared again, and that was almost three years ago. I just recently found a phone number and email address for my ex and have tried to do the adult thing and contact him, but he hasn't responded of course. I pray every single night that she is safe, that she knows that I have thought about her every single minute of every single day since I saw her last,  that she knows that she is loved by me more than any words can ever say. In case you are wondering why my attorney didn't fight for me, well, I didn't have the money for an attorney, couldn't get legal aid, so I tried to do it myself and got fucking steam rolled. Now that I know where he is, I'm going to see my daughter no matter what it takes. Granted, I WILL go through the proper channels, but I am going to make sure that BB pays for hiding for all this time. Ok, I've vented enough for now and I can't keep typing through all the tears. Brianna, baby, I love you and I WILL see you soon!! That I can promise!!

Dear God in Heaven why is it that there is ALWAYS so much damn drama surrounding women? I mean, when I have just had friends that were guys, there was NEVER the kind of shit that goes on when you have a group of girl friends. 

Being a recovering opiate addict that is on a Methadone Maintenance program, I have personally encountered a TON of stigma and discrimination, so it is very nice to finally see some positive stuff out there. I came across a couple of letters for families and loved ones and one for physicians. They are both very well written, very informational, and they cut right to the point. They don't make excuses or anything like that. They just get to the freakin' point. The following is the first letter to families and loved ones to help educate them and reduce stigma and myths about MMT. I copied this letter from the following link: http://www.readybb.com/watchdog/viewtopic.php?t=7301

In an earlier post I talked about doing this new journal called "40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking Time Out for Self-Discovery". Well, today is as good a day as any to begin, so here we go. Day One:

                                              

The Twelve Keys of Interholics: 

I found this on a GREAT recovery website called   http://dryblog.blogspot.com 

I found this great journal called "40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking Time Out for Self-Discovery". Perfect right? That's exactly what I am trying to do. I'm going to really try this and see how it goes and if I totally screw it up, I will only have me to blame. :) So here we go. 

So I didn't get to have my interview yesterday. That sucks. But I do get to go on Monday to have it. Man, I hate waiting. I'm terrible at waiting, especially if it is for something that I REALLY want or need. Let's just say I am beyond desparate at this point, so my patience for waiting is non-existent. When I am impatient for something, CJ gets really irritated with me. Of course, if I were him I would probably feel the same way. He always tells me," Doing that more (whatever annoying thing I am doing at that particular moment) is NOT going to make Monday get here any faster. Why don't you do something to take your mind off of it, instead of that." Umm, NO!! I WANT MONDAY HERE NOW!!!! He should want Monday to hurry up too because he is chompin' at the bit waiting for me to get a job. I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to have a girlfriend that lost job after job and I had to support her and pay for her SHIT! He has been wonderful to tolerate me as much as he has. But, I have dealt with his on again off again attempts at sobriety too. And that is enough to drive the sanest person INSANE!!! 

Ok, so I have ANOTHER interview today and there is a part of me that doesn't even want to bother. I mean, what's the point? Really. I have just come to believe that I will never get a job and if I do it will be somewhere like the dog shit factory. Seriously, what am I doing wrong? I have a great resume, really good qualifications, and letters of recommendation. I'm guessing that it is something in me. I only wish that I could figure out what the hell it is and get rid of it!! I am just so tired of the rejection that comes with job-hunting. I don't know how much more my self-esteem can take. Not that I really have any self-esteem to speak of, but you know what I mean. Every morning I have to get up and look in the mirror and I can barely stand the person I see looking back. Most times I wonder,"Who the hell is that?" I don't even know anymore. What I want to know is when I lost myself? Or rather, was there ever a ME to lose? I know that's what this whole journey is supposed to be about, but the addict in me wants what I want and I want it NOW!! Of course, I know that I didn't lose myself over night, so I'm certainly not going to find myself overnight. The journey can be slow and painful at times, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Well, then I should be the freakin' strongest person alive!!! Anyhow, I'll let you know how the job interview went. Take care until next time.  

I have been wondering lately if things will EVER get better. I go to AA meetings and I sit there and look at all the people talking and laughing and just being "happy". I have been sober for almost seven years and I'm more miserable now than I ever remember being during my addiction. (of course I don't remember a lot of the time during my addiction.....lol!) Here I am, 31 years old, no job, no prospects, a daughter I don't get to see, living with an alcoholic who tries sometimes and doesn't other times, I mean, is this all there is? I don't know how much more of this I can take. I apply for every job that I am qualified, I go to interviews that I think go great, and then nothing. Is there something wrong with me? It certainly feels that way. I had a GREAT job working with an orthopedic surgeon in his office, but he ended up letting me go because he thought that an RN could do a better job than me. Well, I talked to the receptionist that is still there and she said that the RN isn't even doing as much as I did. See, in an office environment, it doesn't matter whether you have an RN, LVN, or you are a medical assistant. You all work under the Dr.'s license. I worked really hard, was always the first one there and the last one to leave. When he let me go he wrote me a letter of reference. He told me that I had a very strong work ethic, I was very smart and skilled, but he was more comfortable with an RN. I just don't get it. I have been through so many jobs in the last four years. Some I quit, others I lost. All of them I should have just stuck it out, then I wouldn't be in this position. I'm so depressed that I barely get out of bed anymore. I can't do this much longer. I feel worthless, useless, and pretty much like a failure at everything from being a daughter to being a mother! If this is all there is, then what is the damn point? All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to be self-supporting, not relying on a man in any way, shape, or form. I have NEVER lived alone. As stupid as it sounds, I dream of having my own apartment or little house with my own things, my own rules, and no one to answer to. At this rate, that will never happen. I try and try and try, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. What do I do? Even if I did have Brianna, what kind of mom would I be? I seem to have failed or screwed up everything else, so maybe it is a good thing Brianna isn't with me no matter how much it hurts. Well, that's all for now. I'm going back to bed!!

I spend quite a bit of time reading others' blogs and one that I have been reading is like looking into a mirror of my life. It is incredibly eerie, sad, and surreal. You go through life and situations and think that you are the only one in the world experiencing what you are only to find out that you are not UNIQUE!! Imagine that. I have found that in recovery, there is NOTHING unique about any of us. Our personalities, maybe, but as far as what we've done, how much, to who, etc, it has all been done before and of course more and better. I finally quit trying to compare myself to everyone and just accepted that I'm not special. I never have been never will be.

Anyhow, I actually had a pretty good job interview today. Keeping fingers crossed!! I can't go without a job much longer. Day after day, I sit, scouring the want ads online and in the newspaper, looking, hoping, praying only to be disappointed once again. I'm destined to live my life in loneliness, in my pajamas, curled up under the blankets hiding away from reality, because reality is too hard to face. When I first got sober I had all these visions of good job, paying my own bills, and independence with my beautiful angel of a daughter that I haven't seen in almost three years now. Oh how each of those visions have crashed and burned only to take a little more of my heart, my soul, my self with them. Each day that passes is another day to remember as a failure. I wake up every morning with hopes of something new and exciting only to be plummeted back under the covers by mid-afternoon, cowering and wondering when this will end, if it will EVER end. I'm afraid to even hope of getting this job because it is inevitable that the call will come (or no one will ever call) and they will say, "Thank you for your interest, but we have decided on another candidate." Then he will come home from HIS crappy job once again and tell me how my credit is almost up, I'm not trying hard enough, or whatever tangent the alcohol has sent him on that day. Even with him in the next room, I am alone because he is not actually here. He is only here in body. In mind and spirit he is off, floating in a haze of alcohol somewhere, lost in his guitar and wishing for death. I hate that. The smell, the look, the feel of the atmosphere when the alcohol takes over. Too many days and nights have been ruled by that smell, that haze, which is why I stay away, tucked safely away in my bed, under the covers, again, away from reality. I'm beginning to wonder what reality really is. I'll tell you what I want for my reality, him to be sober, my daughter to be in my arms so I can tell her I didn't leave her, and a purpose. That's it. I want a purpose. Endless days wondering around with no purpose is what is killing me, minute by agonizing minute. I think I will go now and try to sleep away some of those minutes and hours. That seems to be the best remedy for me, then I don't have to think or feel or face anything at all. Just the images in my mind as I fall into deep, fitful sleep. Goodnight.