Ranting Froggy Panties

Her name is Brianna and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever done. I haven't seen her in almost three years and NOT by my choice. Her father and I have joint-custody and he decided almost three years ago that I no longer had the right to not only see Brianna, but he decided I didn't have the right to know how she was, where she was, or anything else. All the custody crap started in September of 2004 when I made the foolish decision to trust my very best friend in the whole world to watch Brianna while I went on a job interview in NYC. I didn't take Brianna because this was an interview to be a live-in nanny and I didn't want to take her into an environment that I knew nothing about. I didn't know the people except for the small amount of communication we had had on the internet, so I wanted to check everything out and make sure they were legit before I brought her half way across the country. Well, the person that I entrusted with my heart, my soul, my child, thought it would be ok to call my ex, who up to this point had wanted very little to do with her, and tell him that I had abandonded Brianna, run off to NYC to either arrange for her adoption or sell her for drugs, or whatever it is that she told him and his CRAZY wife of the moment. Well, when I returned from NYC, instead of ST bringing me my daughter, I was served with papers stating that BB was suing me for FULL custody of Brianna. I thought, "This is crazy!!" It was at this moment that my life was shattered into a million pieces and has never been the same again. During the first court date, I was able to see Brianna for the first time since I had returned from NYC. I hadn't seen her in about two and a half weeks. She was ECSTATIC to be with me again. When it was time to go into court, I went to hand her back to her father and she literally screamed and clawed at him to get away from him and back to me. That was a breaking point for me. Up until then I had held my emotions in, but when she was screaming,"MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA....." over and over again trying to get back to me, I just got down on my knees and hugged her in my arms and PROMISED her that I wasn't leaving her, that I loved her, and that we would be together very soon. It was and still remains one of the most heart wrenching moments of my life. You could see the hurt and confusion on her little red face. She didn't understand WHY she was being taken away from all she had ever known. From the mother she adored and who adored her. At first I had visitation every other weekend during the temporary custody order, and then KB, my ex's white-trash, crazy bitch of a wife, brought Brianna for my two week Christmas visitation and she asked me for my driver's license. Well, I didn't have it on me because I wasn't driving, so KB rolled up her window with my baby girl screaming for her mama once again and drove away. I didn't see her again for over a year. When we finally found them and got them back into court, it was decided that I should have SUPERVISED visits because I hadn't seen my daughter in so long. Fine. I'll jump through your gawd damned hoops. At the end of this time period when it came time for regular joint-custody to start, they took off and disappeared again, and that was almost three years ago. I just recently found a phone number and email address for my ex and have tried to do the adult thing and contact him, but he hasn't responded of course. I pray every single night that she is safe, that she knows that I have thought about her every single minute of every single day since I saw her last,  that she knows that she is loved by me more than any words can ever say. In case you are wondering why my attorney didn't fight for me, well, I didn't have the money for an attorney, couldn't get legal aid, so I tried to do it myself and got fucking steam rolled. Now that I know where he is, I'm going to see my daughter no matter what it takes. Granted, I WILL go through the proper channels, but I am going to make sure that BB pays for hiding for all this time. Ok, I've vented enough for now and I can't keep typing through all the tears. Brianna, baby, I love you and I WILL see you soon!! That I can promise!!

I have been wondering lately if things will EVER get better. I go to AA meetings and I sit there and look at all the people talking and laughing and just being "happy". I have been sober for almost seven years and I'm more miserable now than I ever remember being during my addiction. (of course I don't remember a lot of the time during my addiction.....lol!) Here I am, 31 years old, no job, no prospects, a daughter I don't get to see, living with an alcoholic who tries sometimes and doesn't other times, I mean, is this all there is? I don't know how much more of this I can take. I apply for every job that I am qualified, I go to interviews that I think go great, and then nothing. Is there something wrong with me? It certainly feels that way. I had a GREAT job working with an orthopedic surgeon in his office, but he ended up letting me go because he thought that an RN could do a better job than me. Well, I talked to the receptionist that is still there and she said that the RN isn't even doing as much as I did. See, in an office environment, it doesn't matter whether you have an RN, LVN, or you are a medical assistant. You all work under the Dr.'s license. I worked really hard, was always the first one there and the last one to leave. When he let me go he wrote me a letter of reference. He told me that I had a very strong work ethic, I was very smart and skilled, but he was more comfortable with an RN. I just don't get it. I have been through so many jobs in the last four years. Some I quit, others I lost. All of them I should have just stuck it out, then I wouldn't be in this position. I'm so depressed that I barely get out of bed anymore. I can't do this much longer. I feel worthless, useless, and pretty much like a failure at everything from being a daughter to being a mother! If this is all there is, then what is the damn point? All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to be self-supporting, not relying on a man in any way, shape, or form. I have NEVER lived alone. As stupid as it sounds, I dream of having my own apartment or little house with my own things, my own rules, and no one to answer to. At this rate, that will never happen. I try and try and try, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. What do I do? Even if I did have Brianna, what kind of mom would I be? I seem to have failed or screwed up everything else, so maybe it is a good thing Brianna isn't with me no matter how much it hurts. Well, that's all for now. I'm going back to bed!!