Oh, there I am.
1 week ago
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Well, I thought for about five minutes that I had this job in the bag and then she said that I had to have a car. See the dilemma there is that CJ and I share a car and he has to have his for his job as he drives all day long. JUST MY LUCK!!!! So, this job, like all the others is a no-go. Why am I not surprised? I'm really not trying to feel sorry for myself, it just happens. LOL! I mean, it's actually kind of pathetic. On Friday, I went to this place called Stenocall, which is a call center type place that takes inbound calls from all kinds of places. They generally hire whatever and whoever walks through the door. I go, take the tests, pass with flying colors, and the lady looks at me like I have grown two heads. She asked me,"Why aren't you looking for something you are more accustomed to doing?" Really? Don't you think I've tried that? Do you think I'd be here if I had had ANY success whatsoever in my own field? I just need a damn job!!! So then she tells me she will check my references and get back to me. Of course, I have yet to hear from her. What really sucks is that as I was leaving, this really greasy looking guy with pants down to his f***ing knees, dirty t-shirt, and greasy long hair is being told that he has just been hired for the EXACT same job I was applying for!!! WHAT???? Are you kidding me?? Where is the justice?? I felt REALLY good after that. I mean my God. He can walk in and get hired and she has to check MY references? WTF!! Sorry, I'm just a little discouraged at this moment.
So, today when I got home from my interview, I decided that I was going to have a beer. A beer you say? Yep. Me. Drinking. A Beer. CJ almost freaked out. Not only did I have one, but I had three and that was way more than enough. I have spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get the room to stop spinning. I was trying to see what it is about getting drunk that is so appealing to him. I absolutely hate feeling that out of control. The whole time CJ is telling me how he feels guilty and he thinks he's gonna make me an alcoholic and how he shouldn't have let me have any. Like I'm not a 31 year old woman and if I want alcohol I just have to go to the bar right around the corner. I CHOSE to drink. No, I'm not an alcoholic, but I am in recovery from pills and he thinks that now that I have had a couple of beers I'm destined to relapse and just fall off the deep end. Not gonna happen. I may have a desire to hide away from the world and sleep my days away, but I have NO desire to live like I did when I was using. I'm too old for that and that kind of lifestyle is too difficult to maintain. I've been on Methadone for almost seven years now and thank God for that, because I don't know where I would be otherwise. Yes, I know that a lot of people don't agree with Methadone Maintenance, and that's ok. It is what works for me. I take it once a day, as prescribed by my doctor. That's all that really matters. I don't know why I feel the need to justify myself every time I reveal this to someone. I guess it is because I have had so much backlash when people find out that I automatically think that everyone is going to shun me. I remember I went to an NA meeting once and made the mistake of sharing that and right in the MIDDLE of the meeting, one of the people that chairs meetings asked me to speak with him and said that I was NOT welcome to share as long as I was on Methadone as I was under the influence. He said that I may sit and listen, but I MAY NOT participate. I could not believe my ears. Needless to say, I never went back to that meeting. Now, when I go to meetings, I always feel like I am carrying this big secret around. I guess that is one thing that keeps me away. I don't like feeling like I have secrets. If there is one thing I have learned and learned well in recovery that is honesty. When I was using I would lie to you rather than tell you any amount of truth whatsoever. Not anymore. That is just something my conscience can't deal with anymore. So going to meetings and feeling like I'm not being honest is hard. Sorry, didn't mean to get off on a tangent. One of those days. Anyhow, I have another interview on Friday so I guess we'll see what happens. Take care and until next time............be safe!!
Labels: depression, frustration, insanity, interviews, jobs
I have been wondering lately if things will EVER get better. I go to AA meetings and I sit there and look at all the people talking and laughing and just being "happy". I have been sober for almost seven years and I'm more miserable now than I ever remember being during my addiction. (of course I don't remember a lot of the time during my addiction.....lol!) Here I am, 31 years old, no job, no prospects, a daughter I don't get to see, living with an alcoholic who tries sometimes and doesn't other times, I mean, is this all there is? I don't know how much more of this I can take. I apply for every job that I am qualified, I go to interviews that I think go great, and then nothing. Is there something wrong with me? It certainly feels that way. I had a GREAT job working with an orthopedic surgeon in his office, but he ended up letting me go because he thought that an RN could do a better job than me. Well, I talked to the receptionist that is still there and she said that the RN isn't even doing as much as I did. See, in an office environment, it doesn't matter whether you have an RN, LVN, or you are a medical assistant. You all work under the Dr.'s license. I worked really hard, was always the first one there and the last one to leave. When he let me go he wrote me a letter of reference. He told me that I had a very strong work ethic, I was very smart and skilled, but he was more comfortable with an RN. I just don't get it. I have been through so many jobs in the last four years. Some I quit, others I lost. All of them I should have just stuck it out, then I wouldn't be in this position. I'm so depressed that I barely get out of bed anymore. I can't do this much longer. I feel worthless, useless, and pretty much like a failure at everything from being a daughter to being a mother! If this is all there is, then what is the damn point? All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to be self-supporting, not relying on a man in any way, shape, or form. I have NEVER lived alone. As stupid as it sounds, I dream of having my own apartment or little house with my own things, my own rules, and no one to answer to. At this rate, that will never happen. I try and try and try, but I just can't seem to get anywhere. What do I do? Even if I did have Brianna, what kind of mom would I be? I seem to have failed or screwed up everything else, so maybe it is a good thing Brianna isn't with me no matter how much it hurts. Well, that's all for now. I'm going back to bed!!
Labels: Brianna, depression, mother, self supporting
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