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Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insanity. Show all posts
Saturday, March 21, 2009
So I didn't get to have my interview yesterday. That sucks. But I do get to go on Monday to have it. Man, I hate waiting. I'm terrible at waiting, especially if it is for something that I REALLY want or need. Let's just say I am beyond desparate at this point, so my patience for waiting is non-existent. When I am impatient for something, CJ gets really irritated with me. Of course, if I were him I would probably feel the same way. He always tells me," Doing that more (whatever annoying thing I am doing at that particular moment) is NOT going to make Monday get here any faster. Why don't you do something to take your mind off of it, instead of that." Umm, NO!! I WANT MONDAY HERE NOW!!!! He should want Monday to hurry up too because he is chompin' at the bit waiting for me to get a job. I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to have a girlfriend that lost job after job and I had to support her and pay for her SHIT! He has been wonderful to tolerate me as much as he has. But, I have dealt with his on again off again attempts at sobriety too. And that is enough to drive the sanest person INSANE!!!
On that topic, I don't like being on the receiving end of an addicted person. I have always been the addicted person wreaking havoc on everyone's lives and now I'm the one having havoc wreaked on me by an addicted person. I suppose the phrase," Payback's a bitch!" is appropriate right about now. Being on this side has opened my eyes to all the crap I put everyone in my life through without a second thought. Addiction is such a selfish disease. Those of us that are afflicted with this horrible disease go through life like a bull in a china closet. We don't care who we use or hurt or trample on as long as we get what we want and feel we need so badly........our fix!! Needless to say, my list of people that I need to make ammends to has grown exponetially since having this eye opening experience. And then there are those nights when I want to say, "Ok!! I get it!! I don't need anymore examples!! Please make it stop!!" And I know I have no control whatsoever over whether or not he drinks, but dammnit, I'm gonna try to control it every which way I know how. INSANE!!! And who knows the definition of insanity better than those of us that are insane? For those of you that don't know, the definition is this: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results! I do this consistently before I stop and realize how utterly stupid I can be! Well, I think I have rambled enough about nothing for now. Hope ya'll are having a wonderful Saturday!! Until next time....................Take care!!
Labels: alcoholic, insanity, interviews, jobs
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Well, I thought for about five minutes that I had this job in the bag and then she said that I had to have a car. See the dilemma there is that CJ and I share a car and he has to have his for his job as he drives all day long. JUST MY LUCK!!!! So, this job, like all the others is a no-go. Why am I not surprised? I'm really not trying to feel sorry for myself, it just happens. LOL! I mean, it's actually kind of pathetic. On Friday, I went to this place called Stenocall, which is a call center type place that takes inbound calls from all kinds of places. They generally hire whatever and whoever walks through the door. I go, take the tests, pass with flying colors, and the lady looks at me like I have grown two heads. She asked me,"Why aren't you looking for something you are more accustomed to doing?" Really? Don't you think I've tried that? Do you think I'd be here if I had had ANY success whatsoever in my own field? I just need a damn job!!! So then she tells me she will check my references and get back to me. Of course, I have yet to hear from her. What really sucks is that as I was leaving, this really greasy looking guy with pants down to his f***ing knees, dirty t-shirt, and greasy long hair is being told that he has just been hired for the EXACT same job I was applying for!!! WHAT???? Are you kidding me?? Where is the justice?? I felt REALLY good after that. I mean my God. He can walk in and get hired and she has to check MY references? WTF!! Sorry, I'm just a little discouraged at this moment.
So, today when I got home from my interview, I decided that I was going to have a beer. A beer you say? Yep. Me. Drinking. A Beer. CJ almost freaked out. Not only did I have one, but I had three and that was way more than enough. I have spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get the room to stop spinning. I was trying to see what it is about getting drunk that is so appealing to him. I absolutely hate feeling that out of control. The whole time CJ is telling me how he feels guilty and he thinks he's gonna make me an alcoholic and how he shouldn't have let me have any. Like I'm not a 31 year old woman and if I want alcohol I just have to go to the bar right around the corner. I CHOSE to drink. No, I'm not an alcoholic, but I am in recovery from pills and he thinks that now that I have had a couple of beers I'm destined to relapse and just fall off the deep end. Not gonna happen. I may have a desire to hide away from the world and sleep my days away, but I have NO desire to live like I did when I was using. I'm too old for that and that kind of lifestyle is too difficult to maintain. I've been on Methadone for almost seven years now and thank God for that, because I don't know where I would be otherwise. Yes, I know that a lot of people don't agree with Methadone Maintenance, and that's ok. It is what works for me. I take it once a day, as prescribed by my doctor. That's all that really matters. I don't know why I feel the need to justify myself every time I reveal this to someone. I guess it is because I have had so much backlash when people find out that I automatically think that everyone is going to shun me. I remember I went to an NA meeting once and made the mistake of sharing that and right in the MIDDLE of the meeting, one of the people that chairs meetings asked me to speak with him and said that I was NOT welcome to share as long as I was on Methadone as I was under the influence. He said that I may sit and listen, but I MAY NOT participate. I could not believe my ears. Needless to say, I never went back to that meeting. Now, when I go to meetings, I always feel like I am carrying this big secret around. I guess that is one thing that keeps me away. I don't like feeling like I have secrets. If there is one thing I have learned and learned well in recovery that is honesty. When I was using I would lie to you rather than tell you any amount of truth whatsoever. Not anymore. That is just something my conscience can't deal with anymore. So going to meetings and feeling like I'm not being honest is hard. Sorry, didn't mean to get off on a tangent. One of those days. Anyhow, I have another interview on Friday so I guess we'll see what happens. Take care and until next time............be safe!!
Labels: depression, frustration, insanity, interviews, jobs
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