It’s Friday!
1 day ago
Monday, March 23, 2009
In an earlier post I talked about doing this new journal called "40 Days and 40 Nights: Taking Time Out for Self-Discovery". Well, today is as good a day as any to begin, so here we go. Day One:
1. Write a list of fears and anxieties that might bring you down or stand in your way of self-discovery:
This is an easy list. Some of my most persistant fears are 1)I'll lose my job/I won't be able to get a job, 2) CJ will not make it back to sobriety and we will have to bury him, 3) my depression will totally take over and I will never make it out of this black hole, 4) I'll use again.
Some of my anxieties include 1) not being able to pay my bills, 2) not being able to hold onto my sobriety, 3) I'm afraid of finding a good sponsor and actually working the steps in a rigorous and honest manner because I'm terrified of what I might find. 4) letting someone close enough to actually know me because I don't even know me, 5) really learning who I am and not liking what I find.
2. List the positive inklings and "good feelings" you have about what you are doing.
I honestly do feel good about what I'm doing despite my fears and anxieties because it means I can actually start to heal from a lifetime of shit. I just can't carry all this around anymore and still live a productive life. Doing this also gives me a sense of empowerment because I'm choosing to do this for ME and no one is making me do this. I need to get my life together and finally get healthy not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually as well. If I don't do this, I'll continue making horrible choices, I'll never be able to hold a job, and I will NEVER get Brianna back in my life. I need to deal with all the pain, shame, guilt, and other crap I've run away from for so long. This is MY journey and I'm ready!!!
3. Today................
Today I will pray for guidance, strength, understanding, and willingness to be honest, open-minded, and willing. I will stop focusing on everyone else so that I don't have to look at me.
Ok, so that's all for today. Hopefully it will get more interesting as the journey continues. If anyone IS actually reading this, I could use lots of comments and support!! Thanks so much for reading and remember:
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